Countdown

I leave MN in one week. I've almost finished packing (still need to pack Bucky, find a webcam and figure out how everything I'm going to be getting at orientation is going to fit into my already full suitcases). I'm in the process of saying goodbye to everyone (lots of socializing and long talks and goodbye parties and goodbye dinners). I've had two fairly major freak-outs; at least, major in terms of what I'll ever let happen (I'm moving to freakin' Japan! And won't see people and everything is changing. You try to stay sane when that's happening). I've noticed a couple of things:

I don't really place a lot of emotional value on clothes. I thought I did- I've always had a hard time throwing things out or giving them away. But I decided that I would pack my three suitcases in this way: things I have to have within the first few days and that I would really hate to lose go in my carryon, everything else split between the two others. I was really surprised to find that I really don't have any clothes that I don't view as replaceable. Obviously I'll be upset if my suitcases get lost or damaged, but it's very freeing to realize that even though I really like my track jackets, they're not irreplaceable. I've been trying to simplify my life for a long time, and it's nice to know that I've been able to separate (at least partially) things from memories.

I don't like feeling out of control. And this is definitely a situation where I'm not in control. Logically, I know that this is going to be an amazing trip, and that it will be a unique experience, and that it's a positive thing. Emotionally, I'm scared shitless, and am grasping at anything I can to stay the same. Even if it'd be better if it changed. It's a really odd feeling (and one that I'm not used to) to feel that your head has agreed to something but your heart/gut feels very differently. I think working through things that scare us makes us stronger people, and I really honestly thing that leaving is the right choice (or I wouldn't be going), but right now, that's really hard to remember. I have a really hard time reconciling the two feelings that I have- and I really don't like admitting that my head's not completely in control.

I've become much more settled in the Twin Cities than I thought I would: I started the application process last November, when I'd been in the cities for about 4 months and didn't feel like I'd found a place that I fit. I hadn't thought that I would find my place to fit in within a year. It makes me really curious to see if that happens in Sakuho (and a little less nervous that I'll be a complete outcast my whole time there).

I can't really conceptualize living in Japan. And because I can't imagine it, I'm not excited to go. I think it might have to do with the sheer scale of the trip. And a little to do with the foreignness of the culture. Going off to college I knew what to expect. Living in Italy, I knew it was just a month (and not nearly as different a culture). I'm sure that it'll be amazing, and that it's the best choice to go. I think this is just part of my freak-out before leaving (in a manner where I don't feel like I'm overloading one person with all of my worries- even though I may actually be doing that). Hopefully freaking out now means that I get to do it while I still have hugs and shoulders to cry on (and I won't need to do it when I'm off on another continent).